Skip to main content

Cats is a terrible movie in more ways than I can likely remember

Against my better judgment, or perhaps more accurately, succumbing to my self-hate tendencies, I saw Cats last night in a theater. It was a discount theater, I paid $4 for my ticket, and they served beer, but no hard alcohol. I couldn't get drunk fast enough, and I kind of want my $4 back.

I'll preface this by saying that I've never seen the stageplay, so I'll try and avoid criticizing what I think is the core conceipt, save this: Most musicals have a more traditionally told story, that threads song and dance scenes together. Cats has song and dance numbers, one right after another, for nearly two hours. If you there is ever more than two minutes of the movie between songs, I would be surprised. I don't think the original stage production would be for me either.

Okay, so what's left of the movie to talk about? It feels like it's an entirely too faithful adaptation of the play. There are ways to frame a scene that make sense on a stage, but they don't feel right on a film, this movie is FULL of scenes like this. I can't really stress that enough, it feels like a really old movie, that used the "best" computer graphics technology of our day.

Which segues nicely into the real horror of the movie, the graphics. As I watched it, I kept thinking how much less disturbing it would have been if it had just been a bunch of actors in leotards in face paint. The faces often didn't really match up in weird ways, like the lips were the only parts of the original actor's faces that were real footage, it often gives it a weird vibe of OLD cartoons, where they'd overlay someone's mouth over a static image.

And the hands! I'd seen the pictures of Judy Dench with people saying that they'd clearly forgotten to CG her hands... except that almost everyone in the movie has normal, flesh toned, hairless hands. Once you see that, you can never go back. A few of them had their hands colored to match their fur, but many clearly didn't. Sometimes they had exaggerated nails made to look like claws, but there are also a number of people that have normally manicured nails.

There is a lot of really impressive choreography in the movie, except, it's all CG. I'm sure it's 100% motion capture, but it takes a lot of the wonder out of it when you're just watching a cartoon overlaid over someone. The final thing I have to say about it is that it's weird to see a bunch of essentially naked people imitating how cats movie, I'm sure this is very true to the play, but it's really unnerving when combined with these computer generated fur suits. Everyone just looked uncomfortable, or like they thought they were in another movie. Really, I don't think anyone thought they were going to be in the movie they ended up in, except for Idris Elba and Taylor Swift, both of whom seem to know exactly what they were there to do, and nailed it. Whatever this "it" is.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Naked Heat: Reviewing this book makes my brain hurt

I finished the latest book by Richard Castle a few days ago, and I've been thinking about how I want to write this review ever since. You see, Richard Castle is a rock star amongst murder mystery novelists, he struck it big with his series of Derek Storm novels, but shocked the world by killing the character at the end of the last book in the series. After that, he found inspiration in NYPD detective Kate Beckett, and based his new character, Nikki Heat, off of her. Naked Heat is the second book in the Nikki Heat series. What's so weird about that? I'm sure all three of my regular readers already know, but none of these people are real, Rick Castle and Det. Beckett are both characters on ABC's crime/drama/comedy series Castle. Haven't watched Castle? For shame, I highly recommend it, it's a perfect guilty pleasure movie, a series of one and done murder mysteries, that are fairly light hearted, with a great comedy dynamic between the characters of Castle, Becket

Final Fantasy XIII: I may not finish this

The latest installation in Square Enix's flagship series, Final Fantasy XIII does a number of really cool things. I don't want to take a lot of time going into the mechanics under the hood, but you need to get the basics in order to get a feel for the game. The battle system is real time, the battle constantly goes on even while you're deciding what to do, you're only in direct control over the party leader though, keeps you from being overwhelmed, the other two party members are only controllable only insofar as you can dictate what class they use. Class management is an important part of the battle system, only commandoes can physically attack enemies, and ravagers deal elemental damage, along with a myriad of other classes, each character starts off with access to a small selection, and by the end of the game will have extensive access to three classes, as well as marginal access to the remaining classes. Which classes you use are determined by paradigms, sort of pre

Lemme Tell You About The Transformer, Astrotrain, And Why He's My Favorite

       I am, quite obviously, a massive fan of Transformers, but I grew up in kind of a weird time for being a fan. Really, I'm just a LITTLE too young. I remember seeing my brother, who was six years older than I, get all of the coolest Transformers, and then by the time that I started being able to ask for Transformers for myself, the nature of Transformers had greatly changed. I have a great anecdotal story about him clipping Soundwave (arguably one of the coolest Transformers toys ever, which turned into a microcassette player) to his shorts and climbing a tree. He then proceeded to fall 30 feet out of that tree, and land on Soundwave, which poked him right in the kidney, and he peed blood for a week.        While I still have a great deal of fondness for them, Powermaster Optimus Prime is just not as cool of a toy as the original Optimus Prime. Notably, if you landed on Powermaster Optimus Prime, he probably wouldn't puncture your kidney, but the original Optimus Prime mig